If it was easy, it wouldn’t mean as much

It’s amazing how much we really take for granted. Think about it for a moment…think about your parents, siblings, spouses, friends. How often do we go about our lives without realizing or accepting that they might be gone in a blink of an eye? I don’t want to come off all morbid by saying this, that is truly not my intent. I just want to show that we really don’t realize just how much we just expect them to always be there. I lost my younger sister a week ago and it really made me sit back and think about how much we don’t say.

August 1st, 2011 at 10 PM. That’s when I received one of the most devastating and unexpected phone calls of my life. My dad called me…and told me that my younger sister had died in a car wreck. I wasn’t given details on what happened and I don’t think I would have heard him even if he had told me. To say that I was in shock would be an understatement. The words weren’t making sense, even though I heard him crystal clear. I didn’t know what to do, what to say, how to react…nothing felt right. I paced the living room after I got off the phone, afraid that if I sat down I would just lose my mind. I did break down…it was probably the hardest cry that I’ve had in a very long time. I have lost a lot of people and I understand death as well as most….but this was the first time I have EVER been pissed off at it.

When you lose a sick relative or an elderly parent/grandparent, it’s never easy but you are expecting it on some level because you can see it coming at some point. With accidents, you are so unprepared. My sister had just turned 18 a few weeks ago and was on her way to scout out a college. She was getting her life in order and then was violently taken from us. And my initial thought was “I’m the oldest, I’m supposed to go first, not my little sister!!!”. I know that it’s not the right thought process but can you blame me? Children are supposed to out live parents, younger children are supposed to out live older ones. It just makes sense. What happened to her doesn’t and I don’t think it ever will. The last time I saw her was a year ago, right after Luna was born, and before that was 4 years ago.

The funeral service was beautiful and it was nice to see friends and family gather in a time of need. But no matter how many people told me that they were sorry for my loss or how many times my dad told me he loved me, I still felt like I didn’t really belong there. Imagine that you’re at a huge conference and everyone knows who you are but you feel totally lost. That’s pretty much how this all felt, like I should be watching from the back of the room and not part of the main view. I love my family, but I have only known them and been part of it for the last 5 years. They accepted me with open arms but I wonder that during all of this, if they still think of me the same. I felt like I didn’t deserve to be sitting with them during the funeral, even though I am blood. “She’s blood”…that’s what my dad and uncles kept saying….it still doesn’t really feel like an answer.

All of this really got me thinking about how I honestly just expected them all to just be there. I know it’s silly to think that nothing will ever happen, but you know what I mean. We all do it and losing my sister really made me re-think my views on family. I’ve realized that calling to just say “Hi” isn’t a bad thing, that there will never be too many “I love you” said, never too many hugs because you never know if that will be the last time you’re given that chance. My sister was full of life and energy and I will never forget that about her. The pain will fade slowly but her memory will always be bright for those of us who were lucky enough to know and love her.

In Loving Memory of my little sister Kerrybeth

 

Wordless Wednesday

Does it really need an explanation?

 

Little Moon is now 1!!

Then

Now

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It’s amazing how fast a year can fly before your eyes. My little girl is no longer a baby, but has grown into a toddler in what feels like a blink of an eye. I have enjoyed watching her hit milestones as she’s grown. The surprise when she rolled all the way over, the excitement and anguish of her first tooth, hearing her say mama and dada that first time, the excited squeal when she managed to crawl….everything has been amazing. Sure there have been hard moments. I still tear up when I think about her when she was in the NICU and we were unable to bring her home. It tore my heart to pieces every time I had to leave her side, but bringing her home was the most amazing feeling ever for me. It seems like every day since she was born she’s just makes things better and better. Seeing her now, I doubt anyone would even think that she was early LOL. My little girl who was swimming in her preemie clothes is now fitting in 18 month clothes!

 

Since we were waiting until the weekend to throw her birthday party, we went out to breakfast on her actual birthday. She got to enjoy pancakes, eggs and yogurt and when they sang to her, they brought her a birthday sundae! I think she was more impressed with the whipped cream on the sundae than anything else lol.

 

The birthday girl and her sundae

 Sunday was party time and we had so much fun! Her party was monster themed so we had monster pop ups, beach balls and even monster rubber duckies. I ended up making 50+ red velvet cupcakes that were completely demolished, carved a watermelon into a monster that was eating other types of fruit and we had BBQ sliders. There were a lot of friends and family that showed up to help us celebrate and I must say, we had so much fun 😀

Luna playing in her birthday cake

 So happy birthday to my sweet little girl. We have had so much fun in this last year and I know that you have so many more surprises to share with us everyday.

 

Wordless Wednesday

Just remember to smile

 

My apologies

I do apologize for my sudden stop of blogging. My laptop got fried in an electrical storm and we are still dealing with the insurance company about getting a new computer. I am hoping to come back soon though! On the plus side, Luna had a wonderful 1st birthday weekend and her party was a huge success 🙂 I hope by tomorrow I will be recovered lol. At the moment I am typing from my phone and it’s very tedious but we will see what I can manage 🙂

 

First adventure to the pool

Luna had quite the afternoon today because she got to experience the neighborhood pool. I was actually quite surprised at how well she took to it. She seemed a bit wary at first because the water wasn’t very warm but after that initial shock she did amazing!

First step into the pool

Sadly the hat didn’t stay on much longer after this picture was taken but she didn’t seem to mind the bright sun light. Soon she was moving all along the walls and the step, exploring the corner of her new environment. Not once did she seem unsure as she moved her way around me.

Exploring the edge of the pool

A little bit after we had gotten there, my sister Krista showed up and brought out the toys lol. Luna didn’t really play with the toys that much but liked to watch them be played with in front of her. She moved around in our little corner like a pro, traveling from Oma to Aunt Krista and back to me. We were in the pool for nearly an hour. I’m so so glad that she enjoyed herself and didn’t freak out over it. I didn’t really think that she would because she likes to play in her bath tub and doesn’t seem to mind water. However, when she got water in her face she took it in stride and never fussed the whole time we were there! I’m so proud of her. My little girl is growing up so so so fast! Now that it’s official that she likes the pool, I can’t wait to go back with Nate.

Hi! I love playing in the water!

 

“Good Morning” is an oxymoron

I honestly believe that no one is really made to be a morning person. Seriously, think about it. What do you do when your alarm or child goes off? Hit the snooze button or in the kids case, pray that they go back to sleep lol. I don’t care how you look at it, the first hour (sometimes more lol) of waking up when you aren’t ready is evil. I’m sure that it’s just fine if you feel rested, but I haven’t felt rested in a while now (thank you monster LOL).

Warning: No Caffeine in system yet

Aside from zombies being dead and craving “braaaaaaaaaainssssss”…..parents really aren’t very different. We drag ourselves out of bed, more than likely groan and/or moan as we shuffle around the house getting things for the kid(s) and our breath smells like we’ve spent the night munching on corpses. Before the first drop of caffeine hits our systems, we aren’t friendly and we really can’t make coherent thoughts or sentences. And we really don’t look that great either, but because we’re tired and still in the fog, we don’t care. And neither do zombies. (Really, have you ever seen a pretty zombie? I don’t think so)

But as parents, we knew what we were getting into. It’s part of the job that we just try to ignore the best we can as we focus on the brighter, more glamorous parts. Thinking back to when I was pregnant, one of the most annoying comments that was said over and over again was “Make sure that you sleep as much as you can now because once she’s here, you won’t be able to”. Yea, I already figured that out, thanks. There are a few things wrong with that little saying. First off, why in the world would you tell that to a very pregnant lady? When you see us from a mile away because we create our own orbit, you can usually tell that we’re not very comfortable and that it’s hard to sleep when you can hardly move. Second, HOW DO YOU HORDE SLEEP?!!?!?! Seriously, I wanna know. Am I missing a secret passed through the ages? If you think about the saying, it pretty much sounds like that’s what you’re supposed to do. Do you capture it in a bottle? What would you do with it once you got it? See what I mean? Hehe, I made you think, didn’t I?

But this brings me to the best part of the morning that really makes us feel human-CAFFEINE! Yup, I’m talking about the magical elixir of the gods that we all worship. (Unless you don’t like caffeine or are already perky in the morning. If that is you….I don’t like you so please go away LOL. Just kidding) Growing up I always saw my grandparents and parents with their ritual cups of coffee and I remember seeing my mom always re-heating her’s in the microwave. (A friend wrote in her blog that as a mom, reheated coffee tastes better LOL) and it never really made sense until now. I, myself, have never liked coffee. I think it is far too bitter, but I have tried!

Nope, for me (if I get my choice) is Red Bull or Monster. But since those are expensive, I usually end up with a can of Coke. It doesn’t give me the same….boost…as Red Bull, but it does help wake me up and keeps away the awful withdrawal headaches. Yes, there is a downside of the wonderfulness of caffeine, but it’s a small price to pay in return for being able to function lol. But no matter how you approach it or deal with mornings, they are a daily hurdle we must cross. Some days go better than others but we all make it (even if we look worse for it in the long run hehe). We are only human after all…and even though we might have a glare that’s worse than Medusa’s, we still love you.

 

A giggle makes the world go ’round

I don’t care how stressed out I get, hearing Luna laugh makes me smile. Recently she’s been laughing more and more as she explores the world around her. Sometimes she isn’t laughing, but she makes me laugh and then comes the giggles from her. I adore the simplicity in what makes her happy-a sock, the cat, a toy. And anything can be funny to her. One of her favorite toys is a computer mouse with a little of the cord left on it. She was playing with it and realized that the cat was interested in the cord so she started teasing the cat with it LOL. It was so funny because she was crawling after the cat trying to get her attention and once she did she’d start laughing.  Another fascination for her is shoes. Could be flip-flops, crocs, boots or tennis shoes, she loves them all, especially if they have laces. She will drag her daddy’s shoes all over the apartment by the laces.

The Shoe Gremlin

Whether she is playing or falling asleep in my arms, hearing her giggle or seeing her smile makes me the happiest mama in the world. I’ve been around children all my life but there is something about hearing your own child’s laugh. There is something magical that erases all of the stress and worry from your mind for that moment. Sure she gets into everything imaginable but for that toothy grin, it’s worth it. I love my giggling monster and can’t wait til she’s ticklish!

 

Within a hollow reflection

Death-the termination of the biological functions that sustain a living organism.

We all know what death is and we all know that it’s an inevitable fact of life. Sometimes it can be sudden and take you completely off guard, other times it is a very long and drawn out process. I have seen it take its toll over and over again through out my life. Sometimes it was a close relative or friend, other times it was patients that I grew close to. It’s never easy and it never seems fair no matter how many times you have to deal with it.

Losing someone who is close to you is hard….watching them suffer before the end is even harder though. All you want to do is make them better or to not hurt some how and you can’t. Once they reach a certain point…you’re helpless. When I was in 3rd grade my Papa (grandfather) died because of cancer. I don’t know what kind or how hard on him it was…but I do know that it was due to smoking. I know that he was in the hospital and was supposed to start treatment, but never made it that far. That was the first death that I ever encountered, at least the first that I understood and can remember.

Over the years I lost more loved ones, including the rest of my grandparents. Then roughly 6 years ago, I was found by my biological father. I was being introduced to a brand new family that I had always belonged to, but never known. I was welcomed with open arms from everyone and to be perfectly honest, that really surprised me. True, I was family, but I was a complete stranger. My grandmother was the 1 person who lived closest to me but I never took advantage of that. Ever since meeting her, she acted as if I had always been around. We would talk and I would come visit her but it was never frequent. After recent events, I feel like I should have seen her more, instead of taking her presence for granted.

Last spring she was admitted to the ICU because of pneumonia that was made worse by her lung cancer. We were told then that she would probably not make it. After about a week she was released and seem to be on the road to recovery. I saw her after Luna was born and you could see that she was tired and not well from the cancer, but she still had a spark. I saw her a few months ago and she had taken a turn for the worse. She looked weak and frail. The cancer was taking its toll on her body. Then a few days ago I received an email from one of my uncles, saying that she didn’t have much time left and that he was coming into town. I was told that she was on hospice and that they didn’t think she’d hold out for more than a few weeks. I wasn’t prepared for seeing her today. Like most people, I thought that if I could handle it from a distance then I would be ok when the time came to see her. I figured that if I processed all of the info about what was going on that I would be able and ready to take on whatever happened. I was wrong. She’s declining and I honestly don’t know if today was the last time I’ll be seeing her. Speaking with her today showed that she has given up.

I have regrets, as I’m sure we all do when it’s time to say goodbye. Maybe I’ll get another chance to tell her that I love her…maybe I won’t. Only time will tell what the future holds. All I can hope for is that no matter what happens, that she is out of her pain.

 

Talk and talk some more

The last few days have been almost a test of sanity for me. I have tried so hard to ignore what I was feeling, to attempt to hide it but all I did was make it worse. I didn’t want Nate to worry about me because he has enough on his plate. But by not…explaining things to him, I just made him worry more. Last night he learned all about it though. I tried as best I could to explain my problems in spring….to explain how I feel, what goes through my mind….anything that I could to make him understand what happens with me. I felt so many emotions when I was talking to him. I really don’t know why I hid this from him for so long. He’s nothing like people I’ve told before, he actually listens to what I say and is there for me when I need a friend. I guess I was afraid of how he’d react to it. Previously, certain people have used my issues as excuses when there would be an argument or disagreement. It has also caused some to look at me differently once they found out….made me feel like less of a person really. But that’s not Nate at all. He sat there quietly as I talked, asking questions here and there to try to get a better understanding. He even asked me why I kept it from him. I’m sure that it hurt his feelings a little to know that I was afraid to talk to him. I felt so much relief after letting all of that pent-up emotion out. It’s true what they say, that a good cry can be therapeutic. This morning he told me thank you for telling him what was going on. He said that I should never be afraid to talk to my husband and that he’d always be there for me. When I told my mom about it all, she was surprised that I hadn’t told him sooner too. It actually made me smile because that shows just how wonderful of a man he is. I know that the next few months will be challenging but knowing that I can fully turn to him instead of trying to hide what I’m feeling, I’m sure it will go much smoother. I’m very blessed to have such a wonderful friend and husband by my side through my hardest moments.