Thoughtful
Why not me?
Let me ask you a question. It’s a simple one, but I want you to really think about it.
Imagine that you go to school for a career path.You have no experience at all, but are willing to give your all. You study hard and try your hardest on the tests that are given. You end up taking the test for certification 3 times, coming closer each time until, SUCCESS, you pass. You then spend the next year trying to find work for your new certification. You go to monthly meetings to stay up to date, but you never make any head way. Then, roughly a year of going to meetings, the head of the chapter asks for anyone who doesn’t have a job to raise their hand, so you do. You’re the only one. She asks you to stand up so everyone can see you. All eyes are on you when you hear “ok, everyone remember her face, you can sit down now”. Feel embarrassed yet? When you sit down, an older lady who is sitting near you looks at you and says “I work in HR and if you applied, I wouldn’t hire you. I don’t like the way you look.”
How would you feel? How would you react? What would be going through your mind?
I can tell you how it felt, because it happened to me. First off, let me give you the setting that this all happened in. Our monthly meetings are held on a Tuesday, in a room in the lower level of a hospital, at 6pm. It’s after everyone from the doctor’s buildings have gone home, when everyone is either coming from home or work. I stay at home with a 2 year old all day. When I’m going to a meeting where I am going to be sitting for 2.5 hours, I’m going to be wearing jeans and a t-shirt, and I’m not the only one who dresses like that.
Standing up in front of the room made me feel like I was back in elementary school, I felt horribly embarrassed and my face was on fire. Having that woman look me straight in the eye and tell me that based on my looks she wouldn’t hire me, hurt more than I can explain. I always viewed my uniqueness as a bonus. I asked her what she meant and her response was “you don’t look like the professional type that belongs in an office”. Thanks. I’m sure that when I’m sitting in a hot room, wearing a black tank top and jeans with a dragon on them that I don’t look professional. Hearing that really shook me up inside because I grew up around doctor’s offices. I’ve been around them my whole life, I’ve worked in them and trust me, I know exactly what kind of dress code is expected.
This was a few months ago. I have lost all urge to work in an office now and I don’t want to go to the meetings anymore because I feel like a fool. I want a job that lets me be who I am and respects me for my knowledge. Who cares if I have tattoos? Who cares if there is color in my hair? If I’m in a room where no one ever sees me and I’m competent, who really gives a damn what I look like? I’m a talented and smart young woman who has a lot to offer, but no one seems to want to give me that chance. My differences should make me stand out in someone’s mind because of what I’ve accomplished, not because I don’t look like that little blonde, khaki wearing ambercrombie model who is their daughter.
Yes, I enjoy adding color to my hair. I think hair that is a solid color is boring and plain. Yes, I have tattoos and I plan on getting more. They are a large part of who I am and they aren’t temporary. Yes I have gauged ears and other piercings. I enjoy to wear darker colors and have different colored nail polish. This is who I am…on the outside. None of these have anything to do with how smart I am, how capable of a job I am. If you saw me on the street or at the mall, you would never guess that I worked as a nurse, as a baby sitter at a church nursery, have EMS training, am a CPC-A among other things. I am extremely proud of my personal accomplishments, but I hate that people assume that because of how I look or what I like, that I don’t belong somewhere professional.
I know that there has to be some place out there that will hire me, but the waiting game is becoming far too painful. I’ve applied to so many places that it’s becoming heart breaking. Most recently I applied to Sally’s Beauty Supply and that felt that I might actually have a chance. I was excited and nervous because I was told that they were looking for someone to work weekends so I applied because I have plenty of experience for that store. What do I get told? The hours that we’re looking for someone don’t match when you’re available. So, being available to work open to close weekends doesn’t match when you need someone to work weekends? Does that make sense to anyone? After I got off the phone I simply broke down. The once proud feeling I held at one time was gone. I feel like an empty shell of who I used to be.
I’m going on my 3rd year of unemployment. I thought that having a new certification would make finding a good, yet flexible job possibly easier to find. Instead, all I’ve gotten out of the search is a new feeling of lower self worth and higher stress levels. I have never felt this bad before. I know that I have a worthy skill set, but no one seems interested in what I can do. I keep trying though, no matter what, I have to keep trying. Every day I hope that I’ll get a phone call asking for an interview, but so far it’s just a dream. Someday it has to happen…but when, I don’t really know.
Updates (told by photos!)
I think that it’s definitely time for a serious update! I’m sorry that I haven’t been around as much as I used to be. We have been packing up, moving in, growing up…it seems some times that things will never calm down around here. A lot has changed in the last few months and I think the best way is to show you in pictures!
I think it’s time for a haircut
Luna’s 1st day of school (Kids day out program)
Picking apples at the Farm Picnic
I chopped all my hair off!
Luna was The Queen of Hearts for Halloween
All moved in!
See? A lot has been going on with the McCarty Family! As you know, time flies when you’re busy, but hopefully things start to smooth out here soon. Luna is loving her day school. She goes once a week and since starting, her vocabulary just keeps growing and growing! Speaking of growing, this little toddler of mine won’t stop! I had to take a deep breath and *gulp* shop in the big kids section! That’s right, my 2 year old is in 4/5T shirts, 3T pants and size 9/10 shoes now.
As for Nate, he’s very happy to have an attached garage now so he doesn’t have to go very far when he wants to work on his bikes. He says the only down fall about it, is that it’s right under Luna’s room, so he has to be quiet LOL. But he’s very happy to have them under our roof, instead of across the parking lot. I love seeing him so happy. The change from the small apt to the duplex has been amazing for the whole family. We have so much more space now, plus we have a deck and a yard! I can’t wait til we get snow so we can finally go out and play in it with Luna. Along with the deck, comes grilling of course, another thing that has made Nate very happy. No more wheeling the grill out to the side walk, now he just has to open the door from the kitchen and go outside. The neighborhood is very quiet and we’re on the corner of 2 dead ends, no major traffic! Hooray!
That about sums up these last few months. It’s been trying, crazy, stressful and fun all rolled into one. Hopefully now that things are finally starting to settle into place in our new home, I might be able to start writing again.
A new year of new fears
Fear- a distressing negative sensation induced by a perceived threat.
We all have fears, we all have different fears from those who are right next to us. Sometimes they are based off of something from our past, other times we have no real understanding of them. And sometimes they manifest due to an illness, be it physical or mental. The fear that I am facing right now is from my illness, my PPD.
It has been a year and a half since my PPD began and I am still facing it on a daily basis. Truth be told, I am getting stronger and have good days a lot more often, but when the bad days hit, they hit hard. And it’s not like I wake up in the morning thinking “I think today is horrible!”, but slight things trigger it as the day progresses, causing me to have difficulty even focusing. Let me give you an example of how it feels (for me at least)- imagine that you are sitting in the living room, relaxing while watching tv. You aren’t thinking about anything, just enjoying yourself and you suddenly feel this overwhelming need to cry…and you can’t stop yourself, so you start to cry. Your mind starts to race as you try to figure out why you’re crying before anyone asks what’s wrong. Then as fast as it started, it disappears for a little bit and you feel fine. Then let’s say you think of something random, like your kid or pet and the tears come again because you feel that weight over you again. Does that make more sense? And to be honest, anything can set off the tears, anger spikes, depression…the list goes on. It’s very hard to go out and about not knowing what may cause you to have a total melt down. But I have managed to deal with it, thanks to the support of my friends and family. But I also had a huge opportunity to hide from the world because I wasn’t working. If things were bad, I would just stay home with Luna all day. One of the biggest challenges I had to over come was the separation anxiety I felt when leaving Luna even for a few hours. I had to go to class and she stayed with my family…but I still cried for 5 mins in the driveway after telling her I’d see her in a few hours. When she was born I was too afraid to even let her sleep in her crib. I was so sure that something bad would happen if I wasn’t always right there. It was one of the first signs of my illness. But as the year went on, I go more accustomed to the idea of being away from her for a few hours 1 night of the week. My mom sent me pics of her while I was in class and it made me feel safer, calmer in a way.
But class is over now. I have finished it, passed the big test and can now be called a Certified Medical Coder. Hooray! Bring out the balloons and throw the confetti….right? As happy as I am that I passed this test and how proud that I did it, I am terrified out of my mind. For the first time….I am scared to work. The prospect of working full time scares me, the mere thought of it makes me breakdown and cry. All of the progress I thought I had made with my anxiety and leaving Luna with someone now feels like I’m back at page 1. And no matter how much I try to explain it, people won’t understand unless they have dealt with it too. I should be excited to be going back to work, I should be proud to say that I’m helping out my family. But I’m not. I want to ignore what is going on so I don’t have to feel this way. I can’t though. In a perfect world I wouldn’t be sick and this wouldn’t even be an issue. In a slightly perfect world PPD wouldn’t be a taboo subject and people (men and women) would be able to get the help they need and deserve. But we don’t live in either one of those places. We live here, where you take what you can get when it comes to a job. I would give anything to be able to work part time in the mornings so I could take care of Luna in the afternoon, but only time will tell. I know that by me working, our family will have so many new and wonderful options open to us. We can finally get a house, take vacations, actually get stuff we want every now and again.
I will put on a brave face and try to hide my fear like I have for so long because it’s what is needed. But how long do you hide fear before that barrier breaks?
Wordless Wednesday
A picture of me when I was Luna’s age. Wonder where she learned her scrunch face from hehe
LittleSpooks 